the blessed virgin of the starry waters

the blessed virgin of the starry waters; an anecdote of loving life.
the love story of my young life, of my adolesent dreaming crashing up on the shores of realisic expectations shall be titled blessed virgin of the starry waters in hommage to a great & fictional adventurer. one full of contridictions as humans tend to be, i can glance backwards into the chest of experiences and identify the joy from the pain, usually by a name but more specifically by a time. for me i can determine if love was true based on whither or not i became closer to my core self. did this experience allow me to better understand my actions, ideas and direction? our true natures are oftern masked with layers of ego and learned behavior. the comedy-tradegy love i have been luckily blessed to experience has been an opportunity for me to learn about myself. to see a clear reflection of my souls love thru someones eyes and to observe the shadows that it casts. sometimes we do not like the reflection we see when gazing in the mirror, often we projection that disharmony onto the object of our affection- afliction. as in binary code i can define two modes of love. 1. where A love B more therefore creating a dynamic where B an treat A like crap (A & B representing individuals involved, more than two parties pressent makes for messy fractions) 2. where love is balanced respect can grow. having stated this i can announce i have not had the second love in any of my romantic relationships. often with platonic friends i develop respect, seeing in the mirror the whole unit of good and bad traits. but with sexual intimacy comes a mother load of shame, expectaitons and a mix bag of emotions that we would prefer not to conciously face. the beautiful man i offered my virginity to started off by loving me much more but as time passed and the feelings were shared between the souls the balance tilted until which time i couldn;t tell love for sex from abuse. when left unchecked the ego sharpened the blinding light bounding from my heart into sharp lazers designed to manipulate the future. all the movies and books i had ever been exposed to as a child dealing with love situations, ideas of marriage and the big looming -forever. combined with the hot bed of sensation when young people are introduced to their shadow for life, there sexual self. i didn't stand a chance despite my best intentions and warning waviers. it was over 4 years that i was blessed with the car wreck of whitnessing myself experience unlogical demands and use the power of love in a manner of remodeling. both valid but perhaps not prideful and certainly not ideal. my constant theme song disstatisfaction and longing for a partner to share my creativity with, rather than simply be amusing. quite the reflection to see in your lovers eyes y/n? then still to thrust myself against a kaleidoscope of identies, learning only now consistancy is incongruent with genuine behavior and convience kills our essence. the well of longevity was poisoned by habits we both were un willing to lay down. for me it was certianly my spark plug spontaneuosness, for him perhaps his strategic schdule. over a late nite dinner the bomb dropped, i simply couldn't love in fragments anylonger. at least now i can admire from a far, be happy for needs being met ( by someone more suitable-designed towards the desires) and enjoy playfull memories whenever i want to without making trivial or uncomfortable small talk. Although i will admit to a desire to have a more communicative post-breakup i know that should our friendship blossom it can only happen organically without agendas. since my deflowering i have had a thrist for diverse experience and most recently experienced the recieveing end of dismissal, shocked i broke a wine glass at the stem while placing it on the table.
i adopt a mantra, slowly believeing that over time optimism replaces despair. and the cycle continues with my hope intact.
it is rare in my experience for the love to dry up, to die, but usually it changes, grows into a more profound, biggerfeeling. i over use the word intentionally dragging the taboo in the mud.i ponder why love cant be everywhere? to splinter the complicated matrix of universal love, we have invented words like, family (people we might not like but love anyways) boy/ girl /friends (people we like but want to take for a test drive before we morgage the farm) casual, unending, accesory, committed, nesting, intimate, etc. the possiblities are only limited by our imaginations and the constrants we allow upon it. as if the white light of love can be fractured into all the colours of the rainbow. relationships between breathing growing people can not be clearly defined by a finite society, time, word, or deed. they are much more complicated animals of pattern and instinct. they are either and both in any given moment. my best recipe for peace even when trampled is to experience fully, striving only for the thinnest slice of now.
i love my life