I TRY TO GRASP. AT AN IDENTIFY OF CALIBRE IN MY CULTURE OF COMMERCE. AT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT MEASURED IN NOSTALGIA. AT THE BEGINING OF A SONG SO STRONG IN MY HEART I CANT RECOGNIZE IT IN SOCIAL CONTEXT.
AT THE MINUTE AND 9 SECONDS SHAVED OFFF THE ONLY MASTERCOPY, TO LEAVE ONLY THE MUDANE EXAMINATION OF LEAVES & BEANS.
AT A CLEAR HEAD. I AM STIR CRAZY, I CAN RECOGNIZE IT BY THE NUMBER OF SNACKS I NEED TO MAKE IT THRU THE NIGHT. BY THE CYCLE I REPEAT IN MY ELATIONS IN THE PHYSICAL SPHERE. I MAKE PILES AND LISTS AND WONDER MY MIND TO ASK, WHAT MORE CAN BE THERE TO CREATE. WITH ALL THE GREAT WORKS THAT HAVE BEEN A)CREATED B)CONSUMED & EXPERIENCED C) LAY IN TATTERS AT THE INVENTION AND PERVERSION AHEAD OF ME RE-READING AND PROOFING TO DELETE ALMOST ALL OWNERSHIP. SOLE PROPRIETER OF WORDS
Anger of mistake to walk of shame in the twilight when the haze comes out to play and the shadows are the longest. The added weight of time + distance = resposibilty. Equasions and agreements amash imaginary daydreams.
So strong&dominating sometimes there is space for nothing else, squeezing every inch of energy from all around. I barely hold a sheild, shaking and waving, signing the deed of the moment. a flash of perfectly spent time. then repeat
A fist of notes, i see the sketch on the top, a gesture; of my own feminine form, the backside.
`
Crap bike trinty park, looner mooner. August 28, tuesday
2 days now i have been feeling a dull ache,tight pain under my ribs, beneath my larger breast. On my left side. I acknowledge and appreciate both the strange pain in its entire symptimization but at the same time feel tremendous pulse. A wealth of health. The symetry of fear, this minds great white death is balanced completey with the bliss of body being able to breathe. Aware of that feeling, its whole weight in my heart, inside my skin reaching outwards.
i dare print
Tonight i will sleep & awake with insight intact from my dream world.
`august 29 excerpt of a letter
Clear intention to be honest with myself. In the pressence of deciet, love becomes abuse- a control that stangles the Creative spirit so vital. I am fluid, flexible to the changing winds of emotion and situation. I build things slowly with solitude and scope, allowing years to pass still solidifing my core sacred self. {Everyday i am granted} i will continue on this journey uncertain of the destination only trusting the process of power. i commend every courageous step and patiently pine the pauses. A wish to be&do by my own defined reasons. when time is time take it or leave it
I am infininte and am recieving with all genuine interest any place or thing. i prefer to live day by day allowing new adventures and opportunities to arrive and influence my direction. I value your feeling equal to my freedom; fiercely.
Umoja= unity, family world universe
Kujichagulia= self determination
Ujima=collective work, art
Ujamaa= co-operatif economics.
Aia= purpose
Kuumba= creativity
Imani = faith
Standard life pages
"fool themsleves until they forget where honesty ends adn self-deeption begins"
Sketch with # & symbols- words and dates to draw pictures in yer mind. Such a exposed nude vulnerablility offers the chance for the audience to openly exploit the gapping weakness or to delight in the fountain of innocence.
Anger of mistake to walk of shame in the twilight when the haze comes out to play and the shadows are the longest. The added weight of time + distance = resposibilty. Equasions and agreements amash imaginary daydreams.
So strong&dominating sometimes there is space for nothing else, squeezing every inch of energy from all around. I barely hold a sheild, shaking and waving, signing the deed of the moment. a flash of perfectly spent time. then repeat
A fist of notes, i see the sketch on the top, a gesture; of my own feminine form, the backside. a planetary
I'M NOT PERFECTLY OK,
YOU'RE NOT PERFECTLY OK,
(and that's perfectly ok)
`Crap bike trinty park, looner mooner. August 28, tuesday
2 days now i have been feeling a dull ache,tight pain under my ribs, beneath my larger breast. On my left side. I acknowledge and appreciate both the strange pain in its entire symptimization but at the same time feel tremendous pulse. A wealth of health. The symetry of fear, this minds great white death is balanced completey with the bliss of body being able to breathe. Aware of that feeling, its whole weight in my heart, inside my skin reaching outwards.
i dare print
Tonight i will sleep & awake with insight intact from my dream world.
`august 29 excerpt of a letter
Clear intention to be honest with myself. In the pressence of deciet, love becomes abuse- a control that stangles the creative spirit so vital. I am fluid, flexible to the changing winds of emotion and situation. I build things slowly with solitude and scope, allowing years to pass still solidifing my core sacred self. {Everyday i am granted} i will continue on this journey uncertain of the destination only trusting the process of power. i commend every courageous step and patiently pine the pauses. A wish to be&do by my own defined reasons. when time is time take it or leave it
I am infininte and am recieving- with all genuine interest any place or thing. i prefer to live day by day allowing new adventures and opportunities to arrive and influence my direction. I value your feeling equal to my freedom; fiercely.
Standard life pages- a first examination of Kwanza
"fool themsleves until they forget where honesty ends adn self-deeption begins"
Sketch with # & symbols- words and dates to draw pictures in yer mind. Such a exposed nude vulnerablility offers the chance for the audience to openly exploit the gapping weakness or to delight in the fountain of innocence.
Kifiria = reve = dream
Attention perverts.
Naked lunch: painted womyn, fetish maid service
Is comming to yr town
No sex
Cash upfront
ID required as collateral
Whatever your pleasure
Virgin / Whore
Scrub the tub or hang a photo
TO DO LIST
Smile education introduction lettre
2005-06-07 tax expense and return
Mending snowboard
Toxix thames paint can
Jimmy dwarf
TM sleep yoga
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'
3:10am jan 8: talked to amanda yesterday helped me to notice i am not alone. My people are feeling these some discontent
friday afternoon Decembre 7th 2007
From my window
The day looks grey
And uninspired
I went back to sleep repeatedly, lazily trying to clarify my dreams.
Saturday morning 5am
Neuromancer & wintermute
For, against, away
Science fiction
utopia novella
Coda. Speedthink slowtobe
International day of action- spent in a nest. Purple box 8:33 with walls like a sea sponge. I woke early eager but somehow decided against propelling myself to the march for my cause. Instead steped up 3 steps back towards the thing i do everyday. Was it out of comfort. Shy aware of my bias& habits. Slowly mapping my ambition> possessive & morality. There is seemingly endless wildspace stretched over a vast godly mind the steps of egotism tarnished golden copper. Lying in bed is spiritual vs. Rally is connected.
I am right where i need to be!
Thinking about love. Happy stars in your eyes. Daydreamming about talking with them about cool stuff.greeting Him curtly. wanting to strip naked and take a bath at the top of the morning {my ears still a bit sloshy and leaky from today} this is my day day to plan to buld a program on the back of these pages that i can hang my ideasexpectations and dreams on, to dance in the sun. To dry of. A plan that illustrates my desire and intention to love myself wholly. That extends an awning over my shy sleepy creative energy. That examines the storage of dusty dreams. Shake out the moths, sot out the whites from the color red adn wash in beet juice. The only rule will be continually mixxing in MORE WILL & FORGIVENESS.
I will error. Persist. Sucess. I will use EFT to identify and atone my tresspasses by which freeing my source from ego; building new definitions for which i manifest my future. I will use TM to clarify &crystallize to organize my definations into volumes . Swurls, the pendudlum of self confidnece spim sing and study and sort & screen. I will use yoga to strengthen my body & mind beoming a link between mediums adn timframes. A fourtnight. budget & itenerary
Admire > respect compassion, critical constructive support challenge strong courageous honest
Dec 14- sex kiss silk candle mirror video hotel
Show tell honest freedom art float jokes laugh loud wind stars etc time going forward. bluntly intend to offend abbussve
I hope the music machine changes places by tomorrow. I like a lighter table and the sound of pure needle
FEAR-False Evidence Appearing Real
3am. Friday dec 14
{Imported tales} stories of unworthiness from toronto
Family illness in keene teary dreams such a strange love across from the crystal princess sarah drama-ess with eczema who loves with honesty which stins sometimes, as good as it is bad as it is. Drunk on endrophines fucking against a ladies room mirror, kinks in my lower back wondering how it cant be good for me, why not be loved? Him asking me to come back at the end of january for his 20th birthday me sharing the love i have to give.
Pennyroyal days jan 8
Not so worried what others are doing, but what i am in fact doing
Goals..
Urwhatueat calendar, 05-07, fortnight goal setting, women translaton by march 8th. Pages Am/PM TM swimwalkbike
Sailboat love treeplant strength. portugual, study, coverlettre
4:04am meditate. Jan 2nd stoped smoking pot2 midnight. I talked to bruce a bit about what i wanted to focus on. Perhaps i will use the fortnightly schedule of 7 days for a specific project. And really push for that long.i Ate 3 grapes, peanuts, chocolate cookies & green tea.
3:46am satum sunday morning New daylight energy effifish lam. I raged against the floor scrubbing wiht a 3 stages scour. My heavy lids and slow heart beat. Why am i thinking about sex all the time? How can i be love when i am {hung up} afraid frozen from honesty hearth. Earlier this morning in dave birds nest i shed tears for a capricorn in blue i always do. Lost in a shallow shame stream i don't wallow that's not true. Lifting my heart head and pen i renew-what to do? Needed worthy review to identify flagstones on my journey. Aquarian lillypads learning leverage i see a good teacher for the first time challange mirror man a precisipse to parade around dare i grow bluntly, full weight of the truth to sit naked with my radical self and rest.
Sunday nite. Monday morning
Woke to a knights game, crowned myself the princess. Kitchener rangers won in overtime i cut the mis-information off my busness cards between 1st & 2nd period.
Jana, out for blues, wanting to tap dave birds door, to share the syncronisity. I am finding sign whereever i am. The maifest turnover is fast but i will present more clearly my exact needs
Jan 4th.s O what to do with this account of kwanzaa, my first spiritual holiday defined in ways i choose, what is to be done, a zine, songs, collecting all the legible insight to becomeepiloge to mylogg- teh sexy bits post onthe wall yea right, ya dig? So what 1.tax 2.facepaint flyers 3.film Log 4. edit watoto 5. Sound score 6.car
Daniel johnston, hi how are you?
LTF-sketch of me, portrait, built on moving pictures and words, david lynch,radiohead "big fish wat the littel ones"TM Roy's journals. Pete's school work aries + leo linda goodmans
Character sketch of tarot cards theives (Doula karma,matatu, kismat balala, uncle freddy)
{contrast-of a year} daytime sunday the open window, snowy roof tops, sarah tree waving around in the wind hope on all sides i feel lucky to be so comfortable,choosing pillows.
Monday bite/tuesday 2am Black Snake moan
Lots of art today.awoke To shovel the driveway, making small talk with the mail man his request to have beer in the box les & monica. Ate chicken & potatoes a la guimer. Mere self portraits with both hands. Looked like menlanimus? Address all the mail to be expedited by kesho the morro
Faith in ourselves & hope for the future. What do i hope for? freedom from authority.oppression. Love i want to invest in sucess in status {i have not been spared a reaction to adverts adn cultural economies} I have faith in my own power.i Will cann work 6 hrs valuable stuff film development, painting, piano,clown, zines,comms, lettres{rest} eat ehalthy fooods. Felt pains in my heart (RHS-back) today while on the 1st of 3 coffees. I ate roast beef at the morisons. I called bruce to say happy new year. He called me back to say he loved me. Which although flattering i questioned his intent. I am not jealous of sex- i mainly crave attention. I can be jealous of jobs & pets but other womyn i understand how things happen with physical chemistry and dislike the idea of owning someones body {or someone owning mine besides me) at least with time spent together, shared atraction mutual fulfilment if possible but more huh?! How much... To become vulnerable,unjudged and honest about my light&dark self.
On the eve of a challlange
Living fully-right Roy
Waiting in the snow storm an hr into the new year -upon arrival. The kips pass nad amir stops. He was on his way home from a birthday party. a sucessful city hitch. Looked cold at the bus stop, to willow crossing with a mug dash daughter 4 years named Cairo she lives in Northwest territories he is divorced. I say thanks, we shake hands. I walk pass the bus stop i waited, drinking earlier
I am very honored, self-respected gleaming; boast full and playfull i am examining a 3rd sided object. So a much life glow. Staring at the meaning of the word_sacrifice to definfe it in this holy time at sun dodn Eid el-Adha will raise my worht for i attempth this incantation to call my moon- enshallah tobleed full. For the five days i been boring sit stillans stretch, cleans my bowels and brain. I take a last wisp adn pull the plug on the drain of thoughts. when the dark is in me i sit, steeped in my starting point, the souls use of the sit bones { for solefullflesh} to transmit energy thru us. Their are small prepartions. The spilled water i knocked while daysleeping drink...{broke}avacados adn pinapple.
How to neither destroy or create by smf.
Mute point- Words not worth the paper they are printed on
Who me- smf
Where- london. Heree.home,now
What.sort$#/words/pictures/yoga/weights/EFT/sounds balance work play swing. Confidence creative pendulum
Why-freedom{forgiveness}pride,greed,lust.sloth,envy
How- sort time count, silent reaching and noon music
Facepaint costume roleplay drama money
Smurf library - film fund
Strenght health food love movement. No womb worries full responsibilty {awareness} firm communicater
After cheating a mere 6 hrs from my sundown start. The rememberance of will broken down once the opportuntiy to smoke with peter's new holiday bong {which later broke} i now correct my intentat days end today dec 19 i staret a fast. I will cleanse my liver by not eating food but only drinking lemon cayanne. There is no peer presence on eating is there? I wonder about my measure of responsibiltyto the moo full or until i decide otherwise perhaps for kwanza i'll pot cleanse, once my taxes are done. I see the cop out over the base.
Living the life i will lead is much a challenge compred to saying planing writting, the life i will lead.do It/
Climb every rainbow until you find your dream( sound of music & sea of life) pinch my mortified childishness.
Now -thursday afternoon, awoke breiffly to mediate in the am. My breathe is horrible must be the spicy lemon. I dont feel let down by myself right now. More like i know the right goals for the right time {or an procedure for a magnificent cop-out} kwanza will be pot free{one week hmmm}Eid was about cleansing the body thru the sacfrice of food. Until tomoorw i was to complete eric's painting 6:33 ate pinapple core and cabbage with lemon tea after 24 hr not eating. Since i broke myself over promisepinapple I gorged bassillica pesto spoonfull pie cookies. I painted but didn't put the strings on it. I looks wierd am is my hpe. I am in bed early before it turns to frienday. Now approaching 11:36
WOMANIFESTO- SELF PROTECTION
7:08PM - MOMENTS LATER
Danae called to invite me to rumrunners but of course i declined, like the TO, Cottage, everything. Hurt On the ice, never again i says. I hear an echo from another time it is my with my mantra, a water otter, pompous queen of the seals, reagae and the sneaky raccoon, masked and generally nimble. Did my life loose meaning at 26? I can't really ask questions why_huh_what projects and where so i go. Who poetry in motion, precision in life " desperate foolish things at 3am"" think with your heads life and animal" cryeyed are tired tea is cold
A pie plate with strings looks guitaire like upon waiting for eric to call was steading looking p- i need to take 3 busses dow hamilton to get there. But which once goes on deveron? teh side mirror route remains a mystery. From my experiement with a moselum holiday i know stonger that i can only focus energy on one thing at a time if fast foos or painting r taxes etc/ one per day hour minute. No more multitasking aa switch occurs and a new goals i set. My mainpriorotoes return to art, {bais} it feels like a rebirth, somehow to build apyramid of my beliefs and ideas. Founded by my own force. The dimension of my architechture with butress and vault, cobwebbed windows and creaky stairs. Fri dec21-5pm
What is like treading water?
Survival skills, dope, aquaintances,wall papering the walls with $$$, nail polish, nervously ignoring,paradymes, lists.
Die at any time and plan anyway, building adn being
Focusing on my blood. Only leaving the house to get drunk or laid. Fantasy land
The perversion of wanting my partner to want something i dont. Staining my thighs. Removed from the ego that wins shame and glory.
IT TOOK LINDA GOODMAN 8 YEARS TO WRITE LOVE SIGNS. IT COST INGA MUSCIO 3 CHILDREN TO WRITE CUNT. SACRIFICE IS ALL EMCOMPASSING. I BITE THAT HAND THAT FEEDS ME BECAUSE IT DEMANDS I EAT MORE. {WHY I CHOOSE TO OBEY??} I SCAVENGE REFUSE TO BE WITH MY POWER ANIMAL. I MISS MY POWER SISTAHS WHO DONT SUSH ME. I ACT OUT {JUST TODAY I WRONGLY STATED I WAS SMARTER THAN SOMEONE I LOVE, SUCH GALL} I PROFESS TO BE TRANSGENDERED BORN WOMYN CHIN HAIR {PROVE} TO BE MAN. SIMPLY SO I HAD A SOCIALLIZE EXCUSE I DEFINED JUNKIE BY SLIPPING AWAY TO MY ROOM TO PUFF OUT THE WINDOW BEFORE WASHING MOM'S GOOD PLATES. OBVIOUSLY ALLOW TO CONSIDER YOU DONT WANT WITHER OF YOUR LOVERS { ONLY TO BE LOVE} LISTENING TO MY STORIES VOICE CHANGE FROM 1ST PERSON TO GET THE DISTANCE AN PRIDE/SHAME FROM MY BEHAVIOUR. I NOTICE MY TENDANCY TO SHY WHEN DINER IS CALLED THE ELABOURATE OPPULANCE AND EXCESS JOKES ME A LITTLE AND I REACH FOR MORE.
Kwanza
Livign up to my sense of spiritself. The pride in humanity and love of nature the delicate tension in the strings, spider webs behin pianos. helped me to project my dreams into expectations for he whole year. spanning 6 mths ahead and today. Every moment
Wed dec 26 1:52-0ne shrimp greeting to pete. I forgot to tell him i became unconscious. One hit. I commend to forgive immediately, take notice and continue to wat suits me. I wiped ny cunt today smear and shit {before the pain} that and felt period starting symbols the walls of my uterus seeping with gravity & mooning towards my toes. Pennyroyal boxing may be out of the question
Dec 30 4:16- purpose hmmmm established that i can be swing. I wobbled on ashley so much that i am ashamed, i choose to let myself be chosen rather than decide. {leadership declines} the lame" i was going to call today" worked is bald magic. I feel like he is mean even though his eyes are so calm and mind. Maybe he just thinks it is funny when i slep on the ice at the bottom of te stairs and cry. { now with added time i do to} his declaring no sex ws disempowering to me to me because i decided that that was all i was offering but clearly some emotion got mixed in. Did i design this elabourate design because i wanted t admit admit that i like sex with men but has huge problems and that being pretty isn't enough or smart. So now what? What is the purpose since pointlessness is my worst enemy.
Dec 30 4:16
Purpose.hmmmm. Established that i can be swung {suprise?} I wobbled on ashley so much that i am afraid, i choose to let myslef be chosen rather than decide {assuming what people want of me, refusing the responsibilty of my desires yuk} the lame" i was ging to call today worked its bald magic on me. I feel like he is mean even though his eyes are so calm and kind. Maybe he just thinks it is funny when i slip on the ice at the bottom of his stairs adn cry. {i do in a sick way}
Dec 26
1:52- one shrimp- greeting to pete. I forgot to tell him i became unconscious. One hit. I commend to ofrgive immediately , take notice and continue to what suits me. I wiped my cunt today, smear and shit that symbolizesthe walss of my uterus, and felt my period starting seeping with gravity ad moonity, towards my toes. Pennyroyal boxing day may be out of the question. I'll plow thru the work in 3 days of isolation adn balance of light & dark flowing togethere. Family adding blending unity.
Ashley phoned, sounding like danae for and instant. She again invited me to the cottage. He i am sure is lovely, why not huh? Why the lonely time instead? Would i rather be here waiting to measure my own popularity. Do i want someone to call. I willed ashley to, after visiting her last nite while i was emotionally mediating. Pride & happienss from mom and her sister. Re-connecting again a reminder of immature behaviour only accepting the gratitude delieverd directly to her thru false words. Why knowing i am on my path do i try to allow other people i love to follow {do i not want to be alone?} they have there own way never give advise of generalize. only specifics about experiences and dreams. Anecodeal. i want to drive a car without external conseqences. Quick adn back
Resist authortiy and the numbness revolution.
The stains on my finger tips resinink the proof in the pudding.
2007= the painting i used to think was a image of sucide is now taking on new meaning. I christen it Processing{perspectivelow}
Unity was daytime sleep close to 7am to sunset= 12hr of fitless dreams. Nite start to harm, egnog cafe and smallville. Ideas of what kwanza will be for me.
Observe & define
My element of collective. Is this writing my creative energy longoign to burst forward. Excitied by awakening with action adn intent. See the way time has hardened me. I hold tightly but try to generate my irrationaabilty into random surrealism as opposed to manogamamous relationship negotiation. Certainly appealing to my male aspects when womyn's work is hard or katty and vise versa. Clint, keegan & pete are talking shoot-em up games and names for guns and in comparrison i choose the catty domestic judgement downstairs. No interest to shoot out and watch the carnage.
Umoja= unity, family world universe
Kujichagulia= self determination
Ujima=collective work, art
Ujamaa= co-operatif economics.
Aia= purpose
Kuumba= creativity
Imani = faith
